Why your reassurance is hurting your loved one with OCD

You're here because your son or daughter, husband or wife is convinced they aren’t worthy, that they always need to repent for things that don’t seem like an issue to you, or because they’ve become obsessive about things they used to enjoy like scripture study, prayer or temple attendance. You’ve lost count of how many times you’ve told them that they don’t need to worry, that they’re completely FINE. So why aren’t they getting better?

Religious OCD is tricky because many of the things that seem normal and natural for us to do to try and reassure our loved ones that they are ok can actually make their symptoms worse. Let’s look at an example. Mary is 19, and she wants to serve a mission. She’s started preparing to receive her endowment and submit her mission papers. When she was taking temple prep, her well-meaning temple prep instructors emphasized how important it is to study the Old Testament to prepare for the temple endowment. This started with Mary spending a bit of extra time every day studying Genesis and the creation, but quickly spiraled into a destructive pattern of her never feeling like she studied enough, that she will never be worthy to go through the temple, and that she’ll never be able to serve a mission. Mary began calling her mom multiple times a day, always upset, because she feels like she is not doing enough and will never be able to live the gospel. Mary’s mom, who loves her daughter and knows this isn’t true, tells her that she is worthy, that Heavenly Father loves her, and that she’ll be able to go on her mission if that’s what she wants to do.

Mary feels better for a little while after she talks to her mom, but then the doubts creep in. What if she hasn’t told her mom the whole story and that’s the only reason her mom thinks she is worthy? What if her mom is only telling her what she wants to hear? What if her mom is wrong? So she calls her mom back, hoping that if they can talk about the situation a little while longer, her mom will be able to say something that will make her fears and anxieties go away.

This process of confessing and seeking reassurance from loved ones, feeling better for a brief amount of time, experiencing a fresh wave of doubt, and then going back to loved ones again for more reassurance is called the OCD cycle. When someone has OCD, it often becomes impossible for them to deal with the smallest possibility of doubt. So, to return to the example, Mary’s mother’s efforts to reassure her are never effective, because Mary will always be able to find some small reason why her mom doesn’t completely understand the situation or might be wrong. 

So how do we stop doing things that fuel the OCD cycle for our loved ones?  We stop reassuring them that everything is going to be ok. This is hard to do because we love our family members  and want nothing more than for them to overcome their anxieties, but this approach will ultimately help them learn to tolerate uncertainty and doubt, which is a critical skill for overcoming OCD.

The next time Mary calls her mom concerned she isn’t studying her scriptures enough, Mary’s mom could say something like, “Maybe you are and maybe you aren’t. That’s really between you and Heavenly Father to figure out.” While this might feel cold or unsupportive at first, Mary’s mom is actually helping Mary tremendously by not doing anything to fuel Mary’s OCD cycle and by encouraging her to develop skills to tolerate the kinds of doubts and uncertainties that are part of everyday life.

Some family members worry that stopping reassuring behavior will damage their relationships with their loved ones. This is a valid concern, particularly if your loved one has been used to you providing reassurance for long periods of time. It is almost always easiest if a qualified therapist can support these changes in family dynamics by providing psychoeducation and support to both the person with OCD and the involved family members.

Managing reassurance-seeking behavior is a critical part of treating OCD. I understand how important this issue is, and, in my practice, I always make time to meet with family members to make sure they have a thorough understanding of the issues and feel appropriately supported as they stop providing reassurance to their loved ones. I know that these changes seem daunting at first, but I have also seen many clients greatly improve their relationships with family members over time as reassurance-seeking is replaced with genuine caring, affection, and love.